Secrets, brilliant disguises, masks, and façades.

Candace Nirvana - 070211

If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees. - Kahlil Gibran

I just read a post over at What We Saw Today by my friend Carla titled Secrets.  I recommend reading her post.  To summarize it, she shared some personal information with someone who betrayed her with the secret.  This reminds me of why we all keep secrets and must be careful with whom we share our most personal details.

I wrote a bit about façades and how we build up fake fronts to hide what is inside of us.  I think we also build safe rooms in our hearts and brains where we keep the most intimate secrets buried.  I've bared only parts of my safe room to a very few.  Nobody has burned me horribly, but I've had some bumps along the way.  Nobody, but me (and depending on views on God) knows all my secrets.

Secrets are made to be found out over time. - Charles Sanford

There were two people I shared a bit with that didn't hurt me, but never forgot a word I said.  Even months and years later, both will mention a shared nugget or two at relevant times.  I am not sure if they do that to show they have power over me with the secret or to show they were listening and remember what I shared and care for me.  It may be a mixture of both.  This reminds me of why during biblical times God, and other characters, were hesitant to share their names.  By knowing some one's name you had power over him or her.  Similarly, by knowing a person's deep secret, you have large power over them as well.

What is love? Love is when one person knows all of your secrets... your deepest, darkest, most dreadful secrets of which no one else in the world knows... and yet in the end, that one person does not think any less of you; even if the rest of the world does. - unknown

I recently had a falling out with someone (person A).  We "de-friended" on Facebook and cut other ties as well.  We still have common online friends and that is where the pixel forest fog comes in.  I wrote a status update on Facebook about an event that we and another friend had in common.  An hour later I got a Facebook private message from the shared friend (person B) that was meant for  person A, not me.  It had my FB quote, sort of trashed me and made a few jokes.

I don't know what hurt more,  that person A told person B about the falling out or that person B, a shared friend, was spying and relaying information back to person A.  The fact that all of this is happening online is not new, this type of coy spying has been going on for ages.  I remember these types of shenanigans going on in junior high, but now it happens in the pixel forest as well.

I purposefully keep things secret.  Some are to protect myself, loved ones, family, friends, and other interests.  I kept my name secret on my old blog out of fear of how my photography and dark and/or erotic thoughts could harm me.  I now own this blog and use my name, but no longer share those parts and only some of my photography for the same reason.   I have a separate day job and multiple lives I live and need to protect.

I was once talking to a friend about how our personal universes were shaped.  Hers was one big sphere where all parts of it swirled around together, colliding, bonding, and separating from each other.  Things were not compartmentalized.  My personal universe is more like a wheel hub with spokes going out.  The only place those spokes may touch is at the center, the hub, or me.  I rarely mix my work life with my art life or my family life or college life or blog life or church life.  If I do let them mix, I try to control the meeting as much as possible and am very nervous during it.  I really hate when those hubs or worlds collide outside of my control.

We dance around a ring and suppose, While the secret sits in the middle and knows - Robert Frost

Why do I keep such strict separation between these parts of me?  Part of it is that I know the spokes would conflict with each other, may not understand each other, and would hurt me in the end.  I also keep them separated because I seek out different things from each group that make most of them mutually exclusive for me.  I don't like mixing those groups because the mix rarely goes well.

At times I wish I could be as open as the friend with the sphere universe.  I think it is healthier because she has fewer secrets or perceived needs for them.  For me though, I can't do it.  I was raised this way and it is an atomized part of my essence.

It takes a lot of my energy to maintain my spoke universe and even though I am decent at keeping everything separated, the parts do bleed through to one another on occasion.  One such area is my art.  If you spend enough time looking at it, you can see what I try to keep hidden from other areas.  Maybe my reluctance to change is partly due to me not wanting to give up one of my internal muses, my secrets that make up most of my art and expression. 

The last song from the last Beatles performance on the roof of the Apple Offices- Get Back

The masked work of James Ensor

Self-Portrait With Masks - 1899 James Ensor

“The mask traditionally functioned as a complex carrier of meaning. For Ensor, it seems also to have allowed for boundaries to be blurred, and for certain questions to be raised? “ - Richard Kalina – Looking for James Ensor

The purpose of a mask is to hide identity while adding a new one. We wear masks for special occasions, Halloween, and to commit crimes. According to this article, James Ensor used them to both hide the identity and to place a deep symbol into his art.

Ensor’s mom owned a shop that sold masks. Growing up around masks must have given him an appreciation of the power they hold. He knew real people existed behind the mask, but by wearing them gained new identities. He used this ability to switch persona as metaphors in his photos.

The Astonishment of the Wouse - 1889 James Ensor

In the painting, The Astonishment of the Mask Wouse, Ensor presents common characters (e.g., an old woman, a helper,etc.) that are part of every day life and hides them behind masks. By masking these characters, the familiarity of the character to the viewer is loss because the mask makes us see a hidden side of them. We wonder if the mask represents what the wearer wants us to think of them. The mask may also represent what they are trying to hide from us, but comes out when we try to see humans as being more complex than initial appearances allow.

We all wear masks that present us as different people in different circumstances. At work, home, church, public meetings, on the bus, etc., we put on disguises to protect ourselves from our secrets. In Bruce Springsteen’s song Brilliant Disguise, he first sings of the disguises worn by his wife:

So tell me who I see 
when I look in your eyes 
Is that you baby 
or just a brilliant disguise 
Later in the song he confesses that he wears a brilliant disguise as well: 
So when you look at me 
you better look hard and look twice 
Is that me baby 
or just a brilliant disguise… 
… God have mercy on the man 
Who doubts what he's sure of.

Maybe Ensor used masks to show that we all wear them to pretend to be something else. I think he also painted them to show that while we think the mask looks one way to us, those looking at us see something much different, something unintended and unwanted.

She Wants Revenge - An Exhibit Exercise

Judith Slaying Holofernes - Artemisia Gentileschi

I got an interesting assignment in my art class last semester.  I had to go to a few local art museums and find a piece I appreciated and build my own "exhibit" around it based on a unifying theme.  The themes could not be an artist (Dali), artistic era (Baroque) or region/country (Italian art).  I had to find pieces of art during the periods we studied and virtually borrow them for our fantasy exhibit.

I went to the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art and saw a photo of Andy Warhol's gunshot wound scars taken by Richard Avedon.  After learning about the circumstances behind the shooting, I found my theme, women who seek vengeance.

I decided the women could be real, fictional, or mythical and be represented in paintings, sculpture, film, or any other artistic medium.  The artists could be men or women.  I found it interesting though how male and female artists depict their avenging ladies.  Artemisia Gentileschi's three paintings of the biblical Judith story as she beheads Holofernes has passion and conviction in the justice of the moment.  Artemisia was one of the few successful Italian Baroque woman painters.  She was raped and treated poorly afterward (belittled, tortured, and commoditized) early in her adulthood.  Did that influence the anger and disdain you see in Judith's face?  Please compare it to the painting of the same story by Caravaggio.

Now, on to the show.

She Wants Revenge

a fictional exhibit

She Wants Revenge

This exhibit shares with the viewer the theme of women seeking violent revenge or punishment on those who wronged them.  The reasons for the revenge could be stolen loves, betrayal of trust, political differences, or rejection.

While all of the works have one or more avenging women, most of the pieces were created by men.  You are encouraged to look at each piece and consider the story, the characters and the artists and performers to compare how feminine vengeance has been portrayed for the past 500 years.

1. Judith Slaying Holofernes 1614 - 1620, 2. Judith and Her Maidservant with the Head of Holofernes 1625  3. Judith and her Maidservant 1613-1614
Artist: Artemisia Gentileschi
Media: Oil on Canvas Painting
Movement: Italian Baroque
Location: 1. Museo Nazionale di Capodimonte, Napoli Italy, 2. Palazzo Pitti, Florence 3. The Detroit Institute of the Arts.
Images Sources: Wikipedia

Judith beheading Holofernes - Caravaggio

Medusa’s Head on Athena’s Shield - 1595-1596
Artist: Caravaggio
Media: Oil Painting
Location: Florence
Movement: Italian Baroque
Image Source: wikipedia
Notes: Medusa was born and grew into a ravishingly beautiful woman.  She was a priestess in Athena’s temple.  She and Poseidon, “God of the Sea”, slept together in Athena's temple.  Athena became angry and changed Medusa's beautiful hair into snakes and her face so horrid that her onlookers would turn to stone.  After Persues beheaded Medusa, and he put her head on Athena’s shield as a weapon.

1. The Sons of Niobe Being Slain by Apollo and Diana 1660 -1670, 2. Death of Niobe's Children 1591  3. Les Enfants de Niobe tués par Apollon et Diane  - 1770
Artist: 1. Jan de Bisschop, 2. Abraham Bloemaert, 3. Anicet Charles Gabriel Lemonnier
Media: 1. Brown wash over black chalk, 2. Oil on Canvas 3, Huile sur papier
Movement: 1. Dutch Baroque, 2. Dutch Baroque (Northern Mannernisms), 3. Romantic
Location: 1. The J. Paul Getty Museum , Los Angeles, 2. Statens Museum of Kunst, Copenhagen 3.Musée des Beaux-Arts de Rouen, Rouen.
Images Sources: 1. The J. Paul Getty Museum , 2. PD Art 3. PD Art
Notes: As punishment to Niobe, queen of Thebes, for being arrogant, Greek deities Diana and Apollo killed her seven sons and seven daughters from above with bows and arrows.

Maria la Chiquita (Maria the Little One) - 1897
Artist: Jose Guadalupe Posada
Media: Engraving on metal
Location: Posada 36 Grabados, Mexico City
Movement: Mexican Modernist
Image Source: http://www.artoftheprint.com/artistpages/posada_jose_guadalupe_maria.htm
Notes: Maria Villa (prostitute name  - La Chiquita) was a high class prostitute in Mexico City.  On her days off,  she went out with her steady boyfriend Francisco.  He starts seeing another prostitute, Esperanza Gutierrez (prostitue name La Malagueña).  La Chiquita saw them at a restaurant.  In her anger she felt La Malagueña had insulted her honor.  In revenge, she went to La Malagueña’s apartment, words were exchanged and La Chiquita shot her.  As a twist, she used Francisco’s pistol, which he entrusted to her for safe keeping while he went out drinking and to keep him out of trouble.  In her trial she acknowledged the murder as a defense of her honor.  In this engraving, she is standing as if in a duel.  She received 20 years in prison since women were not sentenced to death in Mexico.

Chicago "He had it coming"- 2002
Director: Robert Marshall
Media: Movie
Location/Image Source: Miramax Films
Genre: Musical/Noir

Andy Warhol - 1969
Photograph by Richard Avedon
Movement: Documentary/Post Modern
Location: Surveillance Exhibit - SF MoMA - Spring 2011
Notes: Andy Warhol touching the scar on his belly where Valerie Solanis shot him after he rejected her manuscript.



Kill Bill 2 - 2004 (Opening scene, Beatrix and Superman, Bill’s Death)
Director: Quentin Tarantino
Media: Movie
Location/Image Sources: A Band Apart Films
Genre: Exploitation, homage

Ecstacy and Death - tough acts to follow

Carmen waiting for her lover, Jacinto - Movie still from The Devil's Backbone

We watched Guillermo del Toro's * El Espinazo del Diablo (The Devil's Backbone)  last weekend (Del Toro also directed Pan's Labyrinth and the Hellboy movies).  Two of the repeating elements del Toro focused on were the acts of ecstasy and death.   In one, the couple is finishing there tryst, in three other scenes, three main characters die in drawn out sequences that make you feel part of each moment.  The acting in these pivotal, emotional and powerful scenes was some of the best I've seen.  Each conveyed their message whether it be love, lust, regret, loss, coming fate, or all of the these.   I wonder, how hard it is to act out these two moments?


I've only had one credible acting experience, as Francis Nurse in Arthur Miller's The Crucible in a high school production.  My part was small, but important.  It didn't really push my acting abilities though.  Even though I am not a thespian, I appreciate good acting.  What I saw from all the actors in The Devil's Backbone, I have to stand up and applaud.  In my opinion, two of the toughest performances to pull off were the long death scenes and the sex scene.


SPOILER ALERT - I am going to go into details about who dies... and orgasms in this movie.

The sex scene is between the middle-aged teacher/headmistress Carmen and her former student (and antagonist) Jacinto.  The scene opens with them at the climax of their intimacy, him on top her.  Both of their faces show they are in different places, yet still physically bound together at the hips.  Her expression shows the pleasures of the moment, yet the loneliness that she is with a sexual surrogate that she does not love.  Her love is for the much older Dr. Casares who recites his love poetry to her through the wall in the mornings.  Her regret and ecstasy combine into a moment of acting that tells more stories than a heart can bear.  


Jacinto's orgasm shows his temporary pleasure and his thoughts on how he is doing this to gain access to a key Carmen holds that unlocks the orphanage's safe containing what little money and gold it holds.  He is using sex as a means to an end.  Once again, the moment is complex for both characters.

Carmen's death - Movie still from The Devil's Backbone

There are three long death scenes showing the transition from living to death, the act of dieing.  The first is of Carmen dieing in Dr. Casares' arms from her wounds sustained from the explosion of Jacinto's bomb he used to remove the safe from the wall.  You can tell from Dr. Casares' initial reaction that he knows her wounds are fatal, yet he tries to mend her with delicate and loving ministrations.  She tries to tell him she loves him, but he tells her to listen to one more poem.  He shares his last poem for her, telling of how through death, their love pulls them closer together.  You can see her life slowly leaving her through each line he recites as he lovingly caresses her head.  Carmen fights to stay alive to hear the poem, but dies before the last line is finished. 

In the second major death scene, Dr. Casares sits in a chair overlooking the orphanage's entrance holding a shot gun.  He is there to defend the children from Jacinto's return to  steal the safe and kill all the boys.  Dr. Casares is bleeding from his wounds inflicted from the same explosion that took Carmen.  He is now deaf in one ear and is wearing out.  One of the boys, Jaime,  is in the room with him keeping an eye out.  You see the boy doing things to prepare as Casares looks out the window.  At one point you see Jaime notice the sound of flies buzzing about and looks at the doctor.  A fly flits about Carsares' open mouth as another lands on a cut on his head.  At that moment, Jaime knows the gentle doctor died.  It is a quiet death, but so well acted as the life quietly bled out of him.


In the third notable death scene, Conchita, a young beautiful woman who helps out at the school and was Jacinto's lover and fiance, is walking toward the distant neighboring town to get help after the explosion.  She runs into Jacinto who is returning to the school to get the safe and kill the rest of the boys.  Jacinto gets out of his truck and walks to her as his two thugs watch on.  He puts his hand on her shoulder and tells her to apologize and join him.  She tells him she is not afraid of him anymore.  He offers one more time and she responds the same.  He holds her close as they stand in the road.  You don't see anything more than his arm move, but you know he has just stabbed her in her side by her flinch and reaction in her eyes.  In the next half minute, you see all the emotion, pain, and sorrow of life in her eyes and face.  No words are said as he holds her and her life slowly fades out.  Jacinto is hurt by his killing her.  


All three of the deaths show so well that transition to death.  Each actor lets you know when the "lights out" moment occurs.  Each death moved me in different ways, as did the sex scene. 


Enough has been written on the connection between sex and death.  There is a French term for the orgasm, le petit mort.
According to wikipedia, la petit mort is...

La petite mort, French for "the little death", is a metaphor for orgasm.

More widely, it can refer to the spiritual release that comes with orgasm, or a short period of melancholy or transcendence, as a result of the expenditure of the "life force".

What I ask again is, how do actors prepare to act out these two moments and convey the reality of it?  I know that method actors may emphasize the point of making it feel like it has never happened before to make it feel real.  Other actors may look at references from literature, art, and music to reenact the death and orgasm. 

Dee's suicide - Battlestar Galactica

I recently watched the science fiction series Battlestar Galactica for a second time.   In one episode of the final season, Dee commits suicide by shooting herself in the head.  There was almost no lead up to the moment.  She is standing by her locker, putting away her stuff, looks in the mirror and shoots herself.  The whole moment lasted five seconds, at most.  So much of death portrayed in tv and movies shows the suddenness (and often violence) of the event, yet rarely shows the emotions and depth of what each character and the victim(s) experience.  Maybe this is due to challenge of conveying such a deep moment.  


The ability to act out sexual ecstasy and death so vividly and emotionally has to be two of the greatest acting challenges.  These challenges not only comes from the emotional/mental demands of the moment, but also the deeply personal and unique experience we all have during ecstasy and death.  I admire film makers willing to show the power of these moments and the actors creating them.


*Note: I highly recommend this period piece that tells of a orphaned boys school set during the Spanish civil war.

Façades

Vatican - 030811

A few nights ago I had a dream where I noticed my world was falling apart around me.  All the balls I juggled were crashing down and I  couldn't keep up.  At one point I heard in the dream my wife tell me:

I am not going to help you clean up the façades you built around yourself.

That startling statement woke me up.  It kept me up thinking about all the façades I put up so people only see a version of me I think I can control and project. 

A facade or façade (pronounced /fəˈsɑːd/) is generally one side of the exterior of a building, especially the front, but also sometimes the sides and rear. The word comes from the French language, literally meaning "frontage" or "face".
In architecture, the facade of a building is often the most important from a design standpoint, as it sets the tone for the rest of the building. Many facades are historic, and local zoning regulations or other laws greatly restrict or even forbid their alteration.           - Wikipedia

I believe we all wear *brilliant disguises  at times.  They are different than the **façades we build around ourselves.  The disguises hide something and the façades create "truths" and perceptions about what is inside.

This dream quote, "I am not going to help you clean up the façades you built around yourself!",  told me that I have to quit trying to be so many different "me's" for others.  I am getting worn out and just need to be Me.  Just Karl.

This new blog is an effort for me to become more WYSIWYG (pronounced whizzeeewig) which stands for What You See Is What You Get.  This includes sharing my warts, wrinkles, gray, thinning hair, and hazel eyes.  It also makes me own up to all the brilliant disguises and façades I've worn or built up.  I am not offering total transparency into all of my life.  Honestly, do you really need to know if I pee standing or sitting?  I am not aiming to be like Charlie Sheen and self-implode by sharing all my lunacy.  I don't have enough vices or money to reach his level of new "transparency".  I also don't have "Adonis DNA and tiger blood" in me.  I've just got Karl DNA and Karl blood in me and guess what - that is good enough.  

*One of my favorite songs by Bruce Springsteen (watch and listen below).
** I know I can spell it "facade", but the cool little  "ç" makes it much richer.