Good-fucking-bye 2013

Thistle - 010714

For the past three holiday seasons, I've spent them in my new home in Las Vegas.  A few days after the New Year started, I would have to make my nine hour drive back to the Bay Area.  As I drove south on I15, past the M resort, I would look in my rearview mirror and would say goodbye to Las Vegas with a bit of sadness to leave it.  2013 is something that I would have tried to run over if I didn't fear that it would hang on to the bumper and spill over into 2014.  I have never had a year as bad as it.

Since January 1st, I've read many Facebook friends sharing their relief of seeing 2013 pass.  I just read a friend's blog that expressed it as well.  At the water cooler, many coworkers shared the same feelings about it.

There are two parts of my hatred to 2013.  The first is witnessing my aging father in-law and mom both go to the hospital from nasty falls and their health slip.  Both of these well-spoken, brilliant people are shells of their former selves.  It saddens me how something like a fall can so quickly hasten a spiral down that doesn't seem recoverable.  Both are now in assisted care homes.

Jacqui- 010714

The second is of my own creating and living through.  I got myself into a crisis and had to claw my way out of it.  It was my own stupid arrogance and greed that got me there.  Even worse, I hurt others that I care about and lost a good friendship.  It took a many months of therapy and licking my wounds to start to feel human again.  By the end of December, I realized and owned how I ruined and lost a relationship and permanently tarnished the other ones.  I am finally starting to get back into creating art, but it still feels hollow and tarnished as well.

My hatred for 2013 was for witnessing the quick frailty that takes over people at the end of their days and for which I may live to see in my loved ones and die from myself.  I can't control the aging of loved ones, so it is my uselessness that hurts in that case.  My other pain is both self-inflicted and that which I inflicted on others.  This is what I hate most.  I hate that I caused the hurt.  Once again in my life, I have to deal with the fact that I am not the good guy.  I hurt others and was "that guy".  It sucks being the asshole.  I have to keep reminding myself though that as sorry as I feel for myself, I need to make right by the others and not wallow in the self pity.  Guilt hurts, but complaining about it doesn't feel right either.

I know 2014 is not a promise that the future will be sunshine, roses, and all beautiful days.  It will probably hold the last days for some people close to me, my continued stumbling movement toward healing, and other hardships.  On the other hand, I hope that through the wisdom I am gained that I wont be the cause of pain again.

Hues or gradients?

Candace Nirvana - 121711

Awhile back blog friend Carla suggested in a comment I write about why I choose to create photos in black and white or color.  I've been thinking about it now for a few weeks and it comes down to one question, "Which works best for what I need?" I know that sounds so simple to be almost trite, but the answer is the basis of all my art and the subjective power of the medium.

When I shoot digital, I always shoot in color*.  Most of my photos instantly lend themselves to color, black and white, or some subdued middle ground instantly.  This may be due to elements being too distracting or ruining the image if not changed over.  Since the answer is usually pretty obvious, the BW vs color choice is pretty easy.

For some of my photos, it is much harder to choose the final output.  The image works very well in either format.  At this point I have to ask

1. What the intent of the photo is?  
2. Is it part of a series that is in one treatment or the other?  Does it matter if it is different than the rest?
3. Am I concerned about texture, pattern, line, shadows and graphic details?  Yes, go desaturated or BW. 
4. Is the color a or the component to the image? Yes, go color.  I may even have to emphasize certain colors and play with saturation and color channels to get it just right.

Think of a sunset photo.  I bet it is a color photo.  Now think of a photo of woman carrying an umbrella on a cold rainy day in Dublin.  You probably can better imagine that in black and white.

Sometimes I choose one over the other because of the feel it gives off.  For me, BW can "feel" more factual while color can "feel" more abstract and multidimensional.   This is not a golden rule for me, but for a recent series, I wanted the feel that black and white gave as a sense of documentary of the emotions of the people in the photos even though the whole series is conceptual and highly interpretive.  I wanted people to really focus on the emotions on the faces.  The photo of Valya in the bed works in black and white so much better for me because of the emotional feel conveys so much better desaturated than in color.

Valya - 121711

Valya - 121711

Jacqui - 121711

Jacqui - 121711

The photo of Jacqui in the truck only works in color for me.  I saw how her dress, my truck, and the rich blue California sky worked so well together.  The photo has strong directional lines that would lend well to a black and white photo, but obviously color is the best choice.  Compare this to the photos of her wearing just a white dress while sitting in the same truck.  For those, black and white was my only choice.

Jacqui - 121711

Jacqui - 121711

Sometimes I have a hard time deciding which is best.  I ask other photographers for their thoughts, but this usually has mixed results.  Some like color, others like the black and white better.  The photo of Jacqui below has had about equal votes for both treatments.  In the end, I will have to decide which works better for what I need it for.  I have to answer the four questions above to help me divine the answer.

Jacqui - 121711

Jacqui - 121711

 






















Do I have a predelection for one treatment over the other.  It depends on my mood, my life experiences at the time, and if I am excited or bored with the treatment.  I learned to photograph using black and white film, developing it, and making wet prints from it.  I feel that may give me a bit more of a push toward black and white, but I still like both.  By learning to shoot in black and white, I learned key components of line, shape, pattern, contrast, and other BW elements that translate well to color photography and make those images better.

Below are pairs of photos with both treatments.  Feel free to share comments if one works better than the other for you and why that is so.

*The basic reason to photograph digitally in color RAW and then convert to black and white instead of just using the camera's black and white settings comes down to shades of grey.  When you use your camera's internal BW setting, it limits the captured image to 256 shades of grey, but if you shoot in color the sensor captures 256 shades of blue, red and green each.  If you multiplied 256X256X256, you get the total number of different colors captured - 16.8 million different colors.  When you convert the photo from color to BW on your computer, each one of those captured colors will have slightly different shades of grey from each other.  Your BW image will have much greater tonal range and look richer.

Candace - 121711

Candace - 121711

Jacqui - 121711

Jacqui - 121711

Courtney - 121711

Courtney - 121711

Palm Springs - 121711

Palm Springs - 121711

Candace - 121711

Candace - 121711

Jacqui both ways

Jacqui 113011

Kind of a lazy post.  I will write more later about why I choose black and white or color for my photos.  For now though, this quiet moment that Jacqui gave me feels about right for how I'm feeling.

Jacqui 113011

Another one

Jacqui - 111511

It is a Tuesday and my time off is closing soon.  A few weeks ago I wrote of my change in plans that I would not make it to New York during this time off.  In place of that trip I planned to go to Vegas for an extended stay.  Now that trip has changed due to a few postponements in other personal areas.  So, NYC is back on.

I leave later this week and get back next week.  I hope to visit some old haunts, see some new things, meet a few friends and have a great weekend.

Another of Jacqui from the beginning of the shoot.

Jacqui - 111511

New stuff

Jacqui - 111311

Last Sunday I drove down to the central coast to visit my photography/model friends Jacqui and Griffin.  It was great to see and work with them again.  I photographed Jacqui for my Borders diptych series I am almost finished with.  I will post that series and write about it at a future time.

Jacqui - 111311

You may remember Jacqui from some photos I took of her in my truck.  I knew I wanted to work with her again.

The photo up top is one of my first shots with Jacqui from this session.  We warmed up with some simple nudes and then worked hard going for the stuff I needed for my project.

After the nude work, I made some portraits of Griffin and Jacqui for my photographer portrait series.  I will share those later as well.

Thanks to Jacqui and Griffin.  You two continue to inspire and push me on.

Jacqui - 111311

And the band played on...

jacqui and truck - 061211

We caught the direct flight from Missoula, MT to San Francisco.  After take off, I put my iPod on and this song by the great Canadian "politically satirical folk" band, Moxy Fruvious came on.   It is aptly called The Drinking Song.   The lyrics are both nonsensical and beautifully poetic.

This song makes me think of artist/musician friend Joe Crachiola and I don't know why.  Maybe it is just that I'd like to be in New Orleans listening to some great music, creating some great photos, eating great food, and drinking a great bit with him.

This song also makes me think of old and recent endings in my life.  Those moments when something ended, yet parts of me hasn't accepted the passing or impending passing.  By the end of the song my eyes were all tearing up, but felt sadly comforted by the tune.

The Drinking Song - Moxy Fruvious

And the band played on
As the helicopters whirred.
Drunk on the lawn in a nuclear dawn,
My senses finally blurred..

He was a rock
Til the end, a solid reminder
Couldn't deny a friend
We lived in the noise and
The sweet amber poison
Peeking up the skirt of the end
And we'd drink
Two gnarly dudes and some records
Much like plates of black food
We filled up our faces
Saw some far places
Stood on the roof in the nude.

And the band played on
As the helicopters whirred.
Drunk on the lawn in a nuclear dawn,
My senses finally blurred..

Between poles, he said,
"We're like cows in the grass.
Brushing off flies
Chaise lounging around
Standing up falling down
Til we no longer opened our eyes."
And we'd drink
Ever notice how drinking's like war?
Cup o troops oe'r the guns
Til the end of our health
A campaign 'gainst myself
Armed with bourbons and scotches and rums

And the band played on
As the helicopters whirred.
Drunk on the lawn in a nuclear dawn,
My senses finally blurred..

Think of bombs
We're poised on the edge of disaster
Whether it's right or it's wrong
We opened the window
Played some nintendo
Sang a few bars of some pretty old song.
"Irene good night. Irene goodnight
Goodnight Irene, goodnight Irene
I'll see you, in my dreams."
Oh to dream, those impotent
Bones of extinction
Flying graceful and free.
None but the best,
Cause the man cannot rest
Til he's finally beaten his me

And the band played on
As the helicopters whirred.
Drunk on the lawn in a nuclear dawn,
My senses finally blurred..

Til the end, he passed out on the
Sundeck that morning
Quietly saying goodbye
But I was so hammered I sputtered and stammered
Told him he couldn't just die
He was a rock
Went straight for his own armegeddon
Face froze in a grin
Ambulance flying in, I never drank again
Can't really call that a loss or a win

And the band played on
As the helicopters whirred.
Drunk on the lawn in a nuclear dawn,
My senses finally blurred..

A f*#$*@g website

Jacqui and Truck - 060811

I have a goal to build a website this month, or at least get it going.  So many things to consider: commercial sales of prints? blog? how many photos? how many portfolios? which photos? how personal? artist's statement? links to others? do I offer portrait services? colors? fonts? logos? aaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

Not the worst things in the world to worry about.

I need one to showcase my art.  Many people ask to see it and I need to share it more.  The next question is which photos?  Nudes, erotics, landscapes, editorial, conceptual, travel, portraits... I could keep going.  I will only put up the best of my stuff regardless of genre.

Ok.  This is a boring post.  The picture of Jacqui is good though.

Some recent work.

Jacqui - 032611

Jacqui - 032611

I've recently been working with two photographer/models from the college I am talking courses from.  Jacqui and Griffin are two amazing artists/photographers/models.  Both have done a lot of great work in front of and behind the camera, as well as in other media.  G and J are close friends, I would even say artistic soul mates.  Griffin and Jacqui are fine art figure models as well as conceptual models.  For these sessions, I wanted to build my conceptual theme I am create a portfolio on. 

Jacqui - 032611

A few weeks ago, Jacqui and I headed out to the windmill farms near Collinsville, CA.  We took my old pickup as a prop and went shooting.  It was a cool, sunny day.  The hills were lush and green,which didn't matter much since I was going to convert our work into black and white.  We got some great gold out of our work. 

Jacqui - 032611

 

Griffin - 032611

The Sunday after working with Jacqui, I worked with Griffin.  We shot around the college campus.  It was pouring rain, so lighting was both a blessing and a challenge.  The heavy cloud cover gave a beautiful even light, the rain made it hard to set up auxiliary lighting.   As you can see, we got great gold as well.

Griffin - 032611

Griffin has a Model Mayhem site for his modeling and a great website of his own, Griffinly.com.  Jacqui is building a website and I will put a link to it as soon as it is published.  You can see some of their collaborative work at Griffin's website.  Check out their work in the Vacaville and the Injected Sculpture and the Guerrilla Nudes series.

Griffin - 032611

Thanks to both models.  They delivered in ways beyond I could have wished or planned.  They were magic.

You will see more about them in future posts.    You can click on any of the photos for a larger view.

Griffin - 032611