In a century...

Candace Nirvana -  083012

"For what its worth, in 100 years, there will be all new people." - Men of a Certain Age

For the past few posts I've written about life changes and my perception of time.   Time is intangible, but is felt.   I am realizing the number of autumns and winters (my two favorite seasons) are fewer ahead of me than behind me.  It is making me think about destiny, legacy, and fading out.

I started reading Game of Thrones a few months ago.  I just finished the third book.  In this series, it chronicles the many dynastic families as they battles for the throne of the fictional kingdom.  The aspect I am appreciating is how certain families rise to power, and then after time, fade out (or are annihilated)  I am seeing my family is doing that.

There are no male children in my direct line of the family.  I have two beautiful nieces.  If they stay with tradition and have children, their children will not have the same last name.  This branch of the Sutphin line will die out.

At first I thought this feeling of temporary existence was similar to watching driftwood float by in a river's current.  We see it upstream and watch it speed by, floating around the next bend.  Now I am seeing time as me being the rock the in the river and the years are passing me by.  The river roaring about me now isn't the same river a moment ago.

We are not our born physical selves.  All of the cells that made up my body when I was born have died and been replaced countless times.  At some point, that ability to regenerate will be gone as well, either due to old age and the limited amount of times the cells can do that, or some other intervening influence.  My bets are stroke or heart attack.  My kind don't live to ripe old ages.

My Portrait in 100 Years - James Ensor

I saw James Ensor's self portrait sketch in an art history class.  We were discussing his art and his sense of humor.  It reinforced the quote above - "For what its worth, in 100 years, there will be all new people."  Like my body not having any of the original cells I had since conception, the world will be filled with all new people as well.

I am accepting that my life and fate will be forgotten by then.  My nieces will be long gone, their children will probably be dead as well.  I wont have a headstone for someone to read and wonder who I was.   I will be dust.  Right now is my time.  One hundred years from now will not.

The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.  - Time - Pink Floyd

Life changes (as a verb)

Candace Nirvana - 082012

Time may change me
But you can't trace time 

~ Changes - David Bowie

Life changes so quickly.  It isn't always the change we need to focus on, but the fact it is changing.  I sometimes overlook this important part as my days whiz by me.  I only  look at what is changing (i.e., my waist and hair lines, my bank account balances, the new color on the walls, etc.).  I rarely look at the fact that things are changing, I am changing and what does change mean to me.  I need to ask myself , "Why am I changing?".

For the first time in 21 years, I am sort of a bachelor again.  My wife and I are still together (we just had our anniversary last week), but I also helped her move during that time as well.  We are purposely living apart now.

She is finishing up her PhD in Spanish literature (final revisions) and earned a tenure-track position in Las Vegas at a college down there.  She is going through orientation today and classes start next week.  She was offered this job a month ago, so this change came fast.  Fortunately, we have a home there, so the move was minimal - one car load of books and some additional clothing.

I am really proud of her and am contemplating what this means for us.  We are going to be flying a bit to see each other until I can get a decent job down there.  I also have to figure out what to do with our under-water home in California and all the stuff stored in it.  What about my desire to get an MFA in photography and teaching art and photography while developing a business?  Once again though, I am focusing on what the change is, not on the act of change.

Why are all these big changes coming down?  Many of the changes are due to manifestations of earlier goals.  Some are due to financial limitations and abilities.  A few fall into the change-(or shit-) happens category.  I still need to think  about what the act of changing is doing to me.  Am I control of my change?  If "yes", how much control do I have and how can I control it more?

Maybe I am getting too deep into what my evolving life is doing and I should be content and ride the wave.  That though gives away control.   I think I need to allow myself time to sit on the side and watch the change and see if it is taking me where I need to go and how I can change on my own terms and not just living with the changes.

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream 

~ David Bowie

Photo note - Candace Nirvana delivering a quiet moment.  Sometime powerful stuff can come in subtle messages and moments.

Crude and raw boxes

Candace Nirvana  - 081212

You knew before we got together
I held my deep-in compartments
only exposing those shallow ones
to please and open you.

My fear's reality opens you to see
the crude and raw boxes
filled with shards of cutting
glass and blood from nightmare's wounds.

You got the pretty items kept in storage -
the ones that keep the peace,
until they ran out
and I had no more to share.


Photo note.  Thanks to Candace Nirvana for going dark on this one.  Thanks to my new Diana F+ camera for making rougher than I thought and better than I wished.

Jimi Hendrix - The Wind Cries Mary

Back to work...

Candace Nirvana - 022912

I've been really busy lately.  I finished up the first version of my commercial website and will share it here in the next post.  I also started an alternative photography methods course.  We have been playing around with photograms, cyanotypes, and crude toy cameras (Holgas, Dianas, etc.). 

With all of this fun, I resurrected my darkroom and started shooting film and printing again.  I missed the elegant peace of the analog method.  This may sound crazy, but I forgot how much I liked the smell of fix.  That smell gives me a peaceful feeling from all the memories of working in my darkroom. 

I recently worked with Candace Nirvana again.  We shot film and digital.  I still have to develop the film, but here above is a quiet moment from the shoot.  Candace is a gift to work with.

I have two big future posts coming up.  One is for my new website.  The second is in the works - the premier of my freshly completed series Border Moments.

Ever notice...

Candace - 122611

... the feeling of over consumption after Christmas?  I am talking about the food, beverages, toys, gifts, wrapping paper, and all the extra stuff?  I think I am ready to make a big change for 2012.

No more Christmas gifts for me from family and friends.  We all stress out shopping for the people on our list without really having time to get something they want.  I know I've rushed gifts off without much thought on if it will be good for the receiver.  I've received those gifts as well.  They are more of a burden than a gift. 

I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond today to get a few household items.  The return line was 20+ deep while the purchase line was empty.  All these people got something they didn't want and now have to get a refund or store credit and find something else.  

I prefer shopping for a birthday gift where I can think on the person and try to get them something personal.  Some of my friends and I prefer experiential gifts, like massages, dinners, etc.  Others prefer items like music, art, and other things they can enjoy, or hold, or consume.  By having time to focus on the individual I can get them that special something that will feel good for them.

Dividing the "intrinsicals"

Candace - 121811

Which are yours to keep
my snow, your sun, the in-betweens
lie on the table.

Hues or gradients?

Candace Nirvana - 121711

Awhile back blog friend Carla suggested in a comment I write about why I choose to create photos in black and white or color.  I've been thinking about it now for a few weeks and it comes down to one question, "Which works best for what I need?" I know that sounds so simple to be almost trite, but the answer is the basis of all my art and the subjective power of the medium.

When I shoot digital, I always shoot in color*.  Most of my photos instantly lend themselves to color, black and white, or some subdued middle ground instantly.  This may be due to elements being too distracting or ruining the image if not changed over.  Since the answer is usually pretty obvious, the BW vs color choice is pretty easy.

For some of my photos, it is much harder to choose the final output.  The image works very well in either format.  At this point I have to ask

1. What the intent of the photo is?  
2. Is it part of a series that is in one treatment or the other?  Does it matter if it is different than the rest?
3. Am I concerned about texture, pattern, line, shadows and graphic details?  Yes, go desaturated or BW. 
4. Is the color a or the component to the image? Yes, go color.  I may even have to emphasize certain colors and play with saturation and color channels to get it just right.

Think of a sunset photo.  I bet it is a color photo.  Now think of a photo of woman carrying an umbrella on a cold rainy day in Dublin.  You probably can better imagine that in black and white.

Sometimes I choose one over the other because of the feel it gives off.  For me, BW can "feel" more factual while color can "feel" more abstract and multidimensional.   This is not a golden rule for me, but for a recent series, I wanted the feel that black and white gave as a sense of documentary of the emotions of the people in the photos even though the whole series is conceptual and highly interpretive.  I wanted people to really focus on the emotions on the faces.  The photo of Valya in the bed works in black and white so much better for me because of the emotional feel conveys so much better desaturated than in color.

Valya - 121711

Valya - 121711

Jacqui - 121711

Jacqui - 121711

The photo of Jacqui in the truck only works in color for me.  I saw how her dress, my truck, and the rich blue California sky worked so well together.  The photo has strong directional lines that would lend well to a black and white photo, but obviously color is the best choice.  Compare this to the photos of her wearing just a white dress while sitting in the same truck.  For those, black and white was my only choice.

Jacqui - 121711

Jacqui - 121711

Sometimes I have a hard time deciding which is best.  I ask other photographers for their thoughts, but this usually has mixed results.  Some like color, others like the black and white better.  The photo of Jacqui below has had about equal votes for both treatments.  In the end, I will have to decide which works better for what I need it for.  I have to answer the four questions above to help me divine the answer.

Jacqui - 121711

Jacqui - 121711

 






















Do I have a predelection for one treatment over the other.  It depends on my mood, my life experiences at the time, and if I am excited or bored with the treatment.  I learned to photograph using black and white film, developing it, and making wet prints from it.  I feel that may give me a bit more of a push toward black and white, but I still like both.  By learning to shoot in black and white, I learned key components of line, shape, pattern, contrast, and other BW elements that translate well to color photography and make those images better.

Below are pairs of photos with both treatments.  Feel free to share comments if one works better than the other for you and why that is so.

*The basic reason to photograph digitally in color RAW and then convert to black and white instead of just using the camera's black and white settings comes down to shades of grey.  When you use your camera's internal BW setting, it limits the captured image to 256 shades of grey, but if you shoot in color the sensor captures 256 shades of blue, red and green each.  If you multiplied 256X256X256, you get the total number of different colors captured - 16.8 million different colors.  When you convert the photo from color to BW on your computer, each one of those captured colors will have slightly different shades of grey from each other.  Your BW image will have much greater tonal range and look richer.

Candace - 121711

Candace - 121711

Jacqui - 121711

Jacqui - 121711

Courtney - 121711

Courtney - 121711

Palm Springs - 121711

Palm Springs - 121711

Candace - 121711

Candace - 121711

Hit the road jack...

Candace - 100211

I am on an extended break from work. I earn an extra 6 weeks of vacation (they call it a "sabbatical") every six years. My 12 anniversary at the company was Sept 27th, so I decided to take my time off immediately. I need the break. The past year has been rough at work, home, school, and life in general. I've almost been laid off three times, worked 60+ hour weeks for months straight, and have seen many friends lose their jobs including 19 more on my last day before break. At home... just trying to figure out how the next half of my life will go is bad, but I am still struggling with figuring out tomorrow and keeping what I have and what I have lost from overwhelming me today. My studies helped me grow greatly as an artist, but at high costs of time, energy, and emotions, and bits of my soul. My soul is tired, beaten, and mixed with anger, regret, loss, but still has bits of hope for the future.

This break is going to be important. I will be traveling to some of my favorite places - Montana, the desert, Las Vegas, and New York City. I am going to enjoy some HFO time. In my college bus driving days, we would use that acronym as code for "Hang-the-Fuck Out", or in other words, just chill and do nothing. I will also be working on my website, which I just got a great domain name for and will be premiering here. I plan to photograph the hell out of my break as well. I may also shoot some reflective video and try to take stock of where my art is and create some things I've long needed to. Since I am going to be in the car for many hours driving to far states, it may be good for me to keep a video journal of my thoughts. I am also working on finishing up a personal photo series that I will also share here.

One more thing.  I apologize for the long break.  I have reasons for the break, but they are boring and involve the work and life that lead up to my vacation.  They are behind me for now.

I first chose this song because of the title.  It is one of my favorites from Ray Charles.  After listening to it, I am getting a second message of why I need to hit the road.  I think some forces in my life are telling me the same message.  Maybe it is time to "Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more."  I've worn out a few welcomes recently.  Time to go.

The first version is from way back.  The second from a 1996 appearance on Saturday Night Live.   Ray aged so well. He had the magic to the end.  The third is Jamie Foxx's interpretation from his movie Ray.  I wish I had back up singers.

Video

Walk a mile without shoes... or anything else

karl-14 - Kristen Lucus

Kim Weston told me that it was crucial for the photographer to model nude to truly understand what the model experiences.   A few years ago I did a few self portraits sans clothing, but didn't feel that was the same thing as posing for another photographer.  Back in May I did the full Monty.  I posed nude for another photographer.

karl-20 - Kristen Lucus

Kristen Lucas is a great photographer that I took a class with last semester.  She was creating a series capturing the temporary marks we have on our skin from the restrictive clothing and accessories we wear all day.  These included the patterns left by underwear elastic bands, socks, rings, watches, belts, bras, and other tight items.  They are all black and whites and are close ups that approach abstraction.

I wore my belt an extra notch tighter that day so both it and my undies were rubbing deep into my skin.  My ring was etching into my finger.  I wore tight socks and tied my shoes tight to get maximum effect.  I wanted to be marked up for her.  This is the exact opposite of how must nude models dress for a shoot.  They usually wear loose clothing to avoid these marks.  This part of the reason I loved this theme.  It showed the real human state we live in... we have temporary marks from our daily costumes of life.

We photographed during class lab time in the same studio I photographed Candace in during our February session.  We started off with my hands.  I removed my ring and there was a big dent.  With only a single light source, the shadows from the textures and grooves were very pronounced.

karl-4 - Kristen Lucus

After a few minutes we switched to my feet and my feet with my hands.  The socks created a harsh pattern on the tops of my feet.  I twisted and contorted to her directions and tried lining up everything for her.  It made me appreciate the moves and poses models must hold.  I enjoyed it.

Next came the waist band marks.  I pulled it down to see if there were marks and there were.  I dropped my pants and undies, pulled off my shirt and stood there as she photographed those marks by having me slowly rotate to get them full circle.

I felt comfortable even though I have never posed nude before.  I wondered why as I drove home.  First, I trust Kristen.  I support and believe in her project.  I've seen her work.  She made me comfortable.  Second, I've grown to accept my body as what it is.  It isn't beautiful, but I try not to be ashamed of it.  Third, it was very educational to learn how being on the other side of the lens felt.

karl-43 - Kristen Lucus

As you can see... or can't, my face is absent from all shots.  This is true of her whole series.  I don't know how I would feel having nude photos taken of me with my face visible.  I would like to think I would be as comfortable as I was with these photos, but I can't say for sure.

Kristen shared her photos with me and I was very impressed.  I know I have to lose weight, but her photos did not make me feel ugly and fat.  I appreciate her treatment of the model, photos, and the subject.

What pearls of wisdom can I share with other photographers from having been on both sides of the camera?  Only one, earn trust (both ways), keep it, and honor it after the shoot.  Kristen did all of these.  She gave me a print and a cd with proofs of the session.  I greatly appreciate that.

karl-29 - Kristen Lucus

I photographed Kristen a few weeks later.  She wasn't nude, but the theme and situation was much more personal.  That story and those photos will have to wait for another day.