NY again

Unique Forms of Continuity in Space - Umberto Boccioni - MoMA - 112211

I got back Monday from a four night trip to New York.  This was not a work trip, nor a photography class trip.  This was a "me" trip.

During my extended break of the last two months,  I traveled with and to see family twice.  I got to do a lot of alone traveling up to Montana, but the family was part of it.  I needed this trip, my trip.  My trip to be alone and let myself choose the paths of the day.  I had to take this trip because I probably wont have a block of time off like this ever again.  I rarely take big trips for myself. 

My hotel was near Penn Station on 29th St.  Nothing fancy, but was clean, had free breakfasts, and convenient to multiple subways.  I went to many museums, walked all over the city in beautiful autumn weather, visited a few places again that I needed to feel a part of and explored a few new ones.

I did not give myself any city photographic assignments while their except one. I knew I was going to see lots of the city so I was sure I would photograph something.  I visited one neighborhood with a special name that I wanted to visit for years.   My one photographic city theme I self-assigned was personal, deeply personal.

I photographed two models separately, Megan and Valya.  Valya referred Megan for a special project I am working on.  We had a short thirty minute session where I got what I needed.  Megan did a great job and was pleasant to work with.

My session with Valya was an artistic gift, as always.  I will post a few photos from our session and write about it in a few days.

This trip turned very personal for me during my wanderings about town.  I had time to think of the city, my life, my choices, and who I am.  I didn't get many answers, but at least I found some questions I can stop asking.  I also realized that somethings are still too close to push into the past.

I left Monday to return home.  As I got into the taxi to go to JFK, I realized I was at a border moment of my own.  I had to either go home to San Francisco that moment or I would need to leave my California life, and all it held, and lose myself in the sea of anonymity and clean slates that New York could provide.  At that moment, I thought about cancelling the cab and walking away to disappear.  New York does that to me.

New York isn't self destructive for me.  Every time I go there I get pulled into a world where no one knows me, has expectations of me, or really even cares about me.   We all coexist, weaving in and out of each others' lives on the sidewalks, in the subways, and through out our days in the city.  Even though we see each other and may even say something like "excuse me", our lives will probably never intersect again and the mutual anonymity keeps our hearts quiet and private.   In a way, that is more liberating than anything I have felt in my life - to feel the world let go of me and just let me be.

10 years on

Coney Island - 091111

I could reflect on September 11th, 2001 and share what I did that day, what I felt, experienced and lived through.  My memories are old though and can't be trusted to be true.  To be honest, what I did that day, what I felt, experienced and lived through doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.  We all lived through it and have our own stories which probably only have meaning to us.

I could write on how my world changed with two wars, increased security (and fear and paranoia), and the broken political system we live in, but you already know it, just listen to the shouting heads on tv.  We lost the united resolute ethos within a few years so that much is over.  Besides, Bin Laden is dead.

I could commend the bravery of the firefighters, police officers, and soldiers who gave their all on that day and in the wars since, but we already know of their heroism.  They should be honored and anything I say would add nothing to the mountains of sentiment going toward them.

A few years ago I heard a presentation from an eighty-something year old woman. Every year she swims a race from Alcatraz to San Francisco. The race is over a mile long in cool waters with a current pulling the swimmers out into the Pacific. She told us that during the race she flips over and backstrokes to rest and use other muscles. During that time she looks back at where she came from, Alcatraz. She has learned though if she becomes to fixated on it, the current will pull her off course, so she has to continually look around and forward again to keep her bearing. Before she ended her talk she gave me some of the best advice about living.

"It is OK to look back at the past, just don't stare."

On this anniversary, I choose to remain quiet, live my life, try to create something, do yard work, and move on trying to ease the pains in my body, heart, soul, and mind that are distant and recent.  Maybe that is the lesson of all of this for me.  Never forget, but keep moving on. 

NYC - You can go back, but don't expect to it to have waited for you.

View from my room - 081311

New York changes me every time I go there.  This time was no different.  During the days I had to do my daily job in a northern New Jersey town.  In the evenings I went into the city four times.  Most of the side trips to the city were influenced by my life-changing trip last summer in two ways.  First, I went to a few places I wanted to get to, but didn't get the chance.  Second, I went to see or revisit a few things that brought back happiness, mixed emotions, and taught me a few important life lessons.

Last summer there were three places I wanted to go to, but missed for a variety of reasons. The first was Times Square.  The second was to visit Strand Books in Manhattan.  The third was Brooklyn.

Strand Books - 081311

How can anyone who visits New York miss Times Square?  During my last visit some of my group went to it while I visited  30 Rockefeller Center while walking to the MoMA.  I went under Times Square at least three times on subway trains and transferred to other trains.  Many of my classmates got there and created amazing night images.  It felt like those tv shows where two people keep almost meeting and something interrupts or misguides them away.  I made it there my first night.  Three things about Times Square - lots and lots of giant screens and lights, tons of tourists, and now the great New Years Eve party makes sense to me.  I brought a great tiny point and shoot camera that I hadn't learned all the tricks with so my pictures of it are meh.  I want to go back to it because it has a the same simulacra feel of Las Vegas, which I also love.  I love seeing such effort put up to create a false facade.  Times Square is another great metaphor for life.

Strand Books is the largest physical bookstore I've been in.  I love books, but I am no bibliophile.  This place would be a sacred pilgrimage if I was one.  There is one large floor dedicated just to art books.  The photography section is overwhelming.  The erotic art section is larger than  the local Barnes and Nobles' complete art section.  In that section I bought the Taschen photo book La Petite Mort by Will Santillo.  I couldn't resist after I read the line, "If orgasm is the little death, is masturbation the little suicide?"

Valya - 081311

Brooklyn was a view across the river that I never visited last summer.  We went to Coney Island on the far side of it, but never explored the heart of the borough.  This time I spent part of an excellent and artistically enriching afternoon visiting with a friend.  (The visit with my friend will be covered in my next post.  Look at the photo on the right for a sneak peek.)  I walked around the Jamaican neighborhood for a while.  I couldn't help comparing it to Manhattan and thinking "minutes away, worlds apart".  This residential area doesn't have the glamorous charm of Manhattan.  It is a rougher area with a vibe and feel to it that make it tangible.  The music coming from the windows, the talks on the stoops, and the energy made me want to spend an evening there getting to know this rich neighborhood a little better.  Sadly though, I had to go and try to catch my plane out in Newark and had to leave all too soon.  I will be back.

Dinner Outside - 081311

As mentioned I also visited a few places I had been to before.  First up was B&H Photo on 9th Street.  It is my photography store Mecca.  I've bought four or five cameras there including my newest acquisition, an am/pro HD camcorder.  I want to experiment with moving images and need one before my big trips this fall.  I highly recommend B&H.  They are very helpful, friendly and non-pushy.  They know their stuff too.

After leaving B&H I had to go to the Empire State Building.  I plan a personal post about this icon of New York.  For now though I had to touch it.  I had to make sure that both it and I are still grounded. This beautiful building towers over all its neighbors.  It towers over me and is so significant compared to me.  I will always remember and revere it, but I am sure it is not aware of me or my connection to it.  More on this behemoth of a charged building later.

Times Square - 081311

How did New York change me?  I am still sorting that out.  One thing I learned though is that I've changed greatly since the last time I was there.  In so many areas I've flown high and I have also crashed and burned.  This has been a hell of a year.

In New York, everyone is a small individual in a great big whole.  Every person is their own story, but almost no one notices each other.  They just pass by and let the story move on.  There are an insanely overwhelming number of stories just on one block.  Sometimes they bump into each other for better and for worse, but sadly end up moving away, losing the connection that the city allowed them.  As melancholic as that sounds, I love New York City for its beauty and pain more each time.  Love is a complex beast.  It both builds you and tears you down.  Everyone has the choice to fall in love so I guess the beauty and beast of it all are self-induced pleasures and pains. 

Walk a mile without shoes... or anything else

karl-14 - Kristen Lucus

Kim Weston told me that it was crucial for the photographer to model nude to truly understand what the model experiences.   A few years ago I did a few self portraits sans clothing, but didn't feel that was the same thing as posing for another photographer.  Back in May I did the full Monty.  I posed nude for another photographer.

karl-20 - Kristen Lucus

Kristen Lucas is a great photographer that I took a class with last semester.  She was creating a series capturing the temporary marks we have on our skin from the restrictive clothing and accessories we wear all day.  These included the patterns left by underwear elastic bands, socks, rings, watches, belts, bras, and other tight items.  They are all black and whites and are close ups that approach abstraction.

I wore my belt an extra notch tighter that day so both it and my undies were rubbing deep into my skin.  My ring was etching into my finger.  I wore tight socks and tied my shoes tight to get maximum effect.  I wanted to be marked up for her.  This is the exact opposite of how must nude models dress for a shoot.  They usually wear loose clothing to avoid these marks.  This part of the reason I loved this theme.  It showed the real human state we live in... we have temporary marks from our daily costumes of life.

We photographed during class lab time in the same studio I photographed Candace in during our February session.  We started off with my hands.  I removed my ring and there was a big dent.  With only a single light source, the shadows from the textures and grooves were very pronounced.

karl-4 - Kristen Lucus

After a few minutes we switched to my feet and my feet with my hands.  The socks created a harsh pattern on the tops of my feet.  I twisted and contorted to her directions and tried lining up everything for her.  It made me appreciate the moves and poses models must hold.  I enjoyed it.

Next came the waist band marks.  I pulled it down to see if there were marks and there were.  I dropped my pants and undies, pulled off my shirt and stood there as she photographed those marks by having me slowly rotate to get them full circle.

I felt comfortable even though I have never posed nude before.  I wondered why as I drove home.  First, I trust Kristen.  I support and believe in her project.  I've seen her work.  She made me comfortable.  Second, I've grown to accept my body as what it is.  It isn't beautiful, but I try not to be ashamed of it.  Third, it was very educational to learn how being on the other side of the lens felt.

karl-43 - Kristen Lucus

As you can see... or can't, my face is absent from all shots.  This is true of her whole series.  I don't know how I would feel having nude photos taken of me with my face visible.  I would like to think I would be as comfortable as I was with these photos, but I can't say for sure.

Kristen shared her photos with me and I was very impressed.  I know I have to lose weight, but her photos did not make me feel ugly and fat.  I appreciate her treatment of the model, photos, and the subject.

What pearls of wisdom can I share with other photographers from having been on both sides of the camera?  Only one, earn trust (both ways), keep it, and honor it after the shoot.  Kristen did all of these.  She gave me a print and a cd with proofs of the session.  I greatly appreciate that.

karl-29 - Kristen Lucus

I photographed Kristen a few weeks later.  She wasn't nude, but the theme and situation was much more personal.  That story and those photos will have to wait for another day.