Visit, but not live.

Karl and the Bear's tooth - 062616

I travel a lot for pleasure and work.  One of my first reactions when I get to a nice place is to think if I would want to live there.  I look at what life would be like there, including, housing, entertainment, work, art, etc., all the things worth living for in a place.  Almost all the time, the answer is the same, great place to visit, but not to live.


Last week I was in Montana, and I mean IN.  I drove over 2200 miles in that state in 7 days and rarely repeated the same section of road.  I saw Glacier National Park, Fort Peck Dam, Yellowstone National Park, and drove through the big Montana cities of Missoula, Kalispell, Helena, Great Falls, Bozeman, and Billings.  Some how I missed Butte, one of the greatest gems in America, but I've been there quite a bit.

I grew up in Montana and still have family there.  I visit it twice per year to help out on my parents' land and around the home.  I love that state.  It is a part of me, my heart, my loins, my art, my spirit, but...  it isn't home anymore.

I looked at what it would be like to live in Great Falls, Butte, and Red Lodge.  I explored so many options, but in the end I realized, I left their in 1997 for a reason.

There are many reasons I prefer the Bay Area and Las Vegas, but to list them would seem anti-Montana and kind of mean.  I love that state and am glad I can visit it and love it.

On a side note, this photo was taken at 10,800 feet in elevation near the top of the Beartooth Pass.  It is one of my spiritual homes.  I treated myself to a short hike (air is thin and hiking is hard there) and meditated for 15 minutes.

I closed my eyes and focused on breathing.  I tried to be present to all the senses other than vision.  I got lost in that world and forgot where I was.  As my timer went off telling me my 15 minutes were up, I opened my eyes and this was the scene before me.  I started weeping from the grandeur of the moment and my being a small part of it.  I felt so alive after that.  In another post, I will tell you about the clouds above me and how they die.

PS - The mountain range is named after the tiny, craggy, tooth shaped peak you can see at the top far right of the image, the last little point along the horizon before hitting the photo's edge.

A diferent time piece

Gabbi (Noon o'clock) - 082212

I saw the first red leaf of fall today, and I was also thinking about change - it's cyclic and reflects nature.

A few days ago Carla mentioned noticing the changes around her in a comment she shared on my last post.  Recently I've felt tick-tock time is losing its meaning to me.  I am losing my ability to feel the seconds go by and know what part of the clock the hands are resting on.

If people have super powers, I have had two.  I can almost always tell where north is.  From that I can usually point toward any direction.    I am sitting in a windowless room right now, and just pointed north and then checked it on my iPhone compass.  I was off by less than 5 degrees.  This doesn't mean I don't get lost.  It just means I usually get un-lost pretty fast. 

Sadly, my second super power, being able to intrinsically tell tick-tock time without looking at a clock and being accurate within 15 minutes is fading fast and is nearly gone.  For many years, I only carried a watch when to-the-minute accuracy was needed.  Now I wear a watch so I know which hour it is in tick-tock time.

I use the term tick-tock time to represent the human-made time measurement system based on seconds, minutes, and hours.  While it is dividing a solar year down into 365 days (not including leap year) with 24 hours in a day, with each hour consisting of 60 minutes, and each minute containing 60 seconds.  That is 525,600 seconds in a year.  I have no mechanism in me to note the passage of a second, minute, or hour anymore.

If we are healthy, our resting heart rate is around 60 beats-per-minute (bpm).  I can't trust my heart to tell time though.  When I sleep, it drops to less than that rate.  If I am excited, it can easily double.  Without having an internal mechanism anymore to tell tick-tock time, where am I getting my cues?  The natural universe provides it.

The earth's daily rotation provides a good basic visual time piece, light or no light.  My next favorite is the 28 day lunar cycle.  I know that if it is a new moon now, it will be a full moon in 14 days.  I am always looking up at the moon, when visible to give me a clue as to it's path.  Here is a link to learn about the phases of the moon. 

For the past few years I've felt the seasonal transitions more and more.  I like some more than others, preferring fall and winter to spring and summer.  I feel each one though.  Every August I can tell when autumn is coming by noticing the lengthening of shadows and the quality of light around me.  I feel the winter solstice by enjoying the long, dark, cold days of winter.  The seasonal changes are one measurement of time I feel deep in me.

Maybe my spirit is trying to tell me something with my loss of ability to internally tell tick-tock time.  It isn't the second that separates present me from past and future me.  It is the changing of the universe around me affected by the cycles we physically go through.  I can't control these cycles.  All I can do is recognize them and make sure I live as much as possible through them. 

 

Life changes (as a verb)

Candace Nirvana - 082012

Time may change me
But you can't trace time 

~ Changes - David Bowie

Life changes so quickly.  It isn't always the change we need to focus on, but the fact it is changing.  I sometimes overlook this important part as my days whiz by me.  I only  look at what is changing (i.e., my waist and hair lines, my bank account balances, the new color on the walls, etc.).  I rarely look at the fact that things are changing, I am changing and what does change mean to me.  I need to ask myself , "Why am I changing?".

For the first time in 21 years, I am sort of a bachelor again.  My wife and I are still together (we just had our anniversary last week), but I also helped her move during that time as well.  We are purposely living apart now.

She is finishing up her PhD in Spanish literature (final revisions) and earned a tenure-track position in Las Vegas at a college down there.  She is going through orientation today and classes start next week.  She was offered this job a month ago, so this change came fast.  Fortunately, we have a home there, so the move was minimal - one car load of books and some additional clothing.

I am really proud of her and am contemplating what this means for us.  We are going to be flying a bit to see each other until I can get a decent job down there.  I also have to figure out what to do with our under-water home in California and all the stuff stored in it.  What about my desire to get an MFA in photography and teaching art and photography while developing a business?  Once again though, I am focusing on what the change is, not on the act of change.

Why are all these big changes coming down?  Many of the changes are due to manifestations of earlier goals.  Some are due to financial limitations and abilities.  A few fall into the change-(or shit-) happens category.  I still need to think  about what the act of changing is doing to me.  Am I control of my change?  If "yes", how much control do I have and how can I control it more?

Maybe I am getting too deep into what my evolving life is doing and I should be content and ride the wave.  That though gives away control.   I think I need to allow myself time to sit on the side and watch the change and see if it is taking me where I need to go and how I can change on my own terms and not just living with the changes.

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream 

~ David Bowie

Photo note - Candace Nirvana delivering a quiet moment.  Sometime powerful stuff can come in subtle messages and moments.