Good-fucking-bye 2013

Thistle - 010714

For the past three holiday seasons, I've spent them in my new home in Las Vegas.  A few days after the New Year started, I would have to make my nine hour drive back to the Bay Area.  As I drove south on I15, past the M resort, I would look in my rearview mirror and would say goodbye to Las Vegas with a bit of sadness to leave it.  2013 is something that I would have tried to run over if I didn't fear that it would hang on to the bumper and spill over into 2014.  I have never had a year as bad as it.

Since January 1st, I've read many Facebook friends sharing their relief of seeing 2013 pass.  I just read a friend's blog that expressed it as well.  At the water cooler, many coworkers shared the same feelings about it.

There are two parts of my hatred to 2013.  The first is witnessing my aging father in-law and mom both go to the hospital from nasty falls and their health slip.  Both of these well-spoken, brilliant people are shells of their former selves.  It saddens me how something like a fall can so quickly hasten a spiral down that doesn't seem recoverable.  Both are now in assisted care homes.

Jacqui- 010714

The second is of my own creating and living through.  I got myself into a crisis and had to claw my way out of it.  It was my own stupid arrogance and greed that got me there.  Even worse, I hurt others that I care about and lost a good friendship.  It took a many months of therapy and licking my wounds to start to feel human again.  By the end of December, I realized and owned how I ruined and lost a relationship and permanently tarnished the other ones.  I am finally starting to get back into creating art, but it still feels hollow and tarnished as well.

My hatred for 2013 was for witnessing the quick frailty that takes over people at the end of their days and for which I may live to see in my loved ones and die from myself.  I can't control the aging of loved ones, so it is my uselessness that hurts in that case.  My other pain is both self-inflicted and that which I inflicted on others.  This is what I hate most.  I hate that I caused the hurt.  Once again in my life, I have to deal with the fact that I am not the good guy.  I hurt others and was "that guy".  It sucks being the asshole.  I have to keep reminding myself though that as sorry as I feel for myself, I need to make right by the others and not wallow in the self pity.  Guilt hurts, but complaining about it doesn't feel right either.

I know 2014 is not a promise that the future will be sunshine, roses, and all beautiful days.  It will probably hold the last days for some people close to me, my continued stumbling movement toward healing, and other hardships.  On the other hand, I hope that through the wisdom I am gained that I wont be the cause of pain again.